Me, Myself, and I

I sometimes wonder if I am the only one that has feelings of wanting to just hibernate and ignore the world. I feel as though I just want to turn off my phone, ignore social media, ignore all my responsibilities and be lazy all alone in my place. I also get the feeling that if I did that I would end up missing out on something awesome. How do you balance life and keeping yourself sane? How do maintain who you are while also trying to please people to maintain those relationships? I feel as though as much as people say they "love who you are" and "accept you as you are" it's all bullsh*t! I just think a lot of people don't have the mouth that I do and don't tend to express what they're thinking. I do know that I've learned that holding back more so keeps the peace, but it also makes me feel as though I'm going to explode and just snap one of these days! Thank god for outlets like tweeting, blogging, writing in your journal/diary, poetry, and whatever other forms of releasing that stress people enjoy. It's such a hard balance to maintain relationships. You can truly care for someone while completely disagreeing with major choices they make. None of it makes any sense to me and I find myself questioning a lot of things and people lately. What is a girl to do? I guess it's just me, myself, and I! You can really only rely on yourself!!

A Non-Romantic

So according to my brother (who is an over the top hopeless romantic) I am a serious pessimist because I do not believe in stupid romantic bullshit. I am a realist and do not allow my mind to wander to the point of fantasy and ridiculousness when it comes to possible love situations. Everyone is different and does their own thing, he just has this idea that everyone cares to hear his opinion and thinks that he knows all. He thinks that people actually care to hear everything that comes out of his idiotic mouth. He has to be one of the most annoying people I know, but yet I am stuck with him because he's family. He most definitely would get way further with me if he showed half the respect to me as he does these random girls he meets and begins planning his weddings with! Sorry for the rant but seriously. Maybe I am the way I am when it comes to relationships because at an early age I saw sadness and betrayal when my father was straying and it ended in divorce. Maybe it's because I've never really felt deserving of love and affection because I've been so unhappy with my appearance for so long. Who would want to date a fatty right? Well that was my thought pattern for a long time anyways. I'm still doing a lot of work on myself for myself. Trying to get back into the stage of loving myself completely for who and what I am. I am confident in myself in my personality and who I am, I just need to love myself physically. I've been having a rough go lately, dealing with some issues but I am trying to work through them and come out on top. And I feel as though that directly coincides with how I'm feeling physically. Lately I've been feeling so disconnected from everyone and everything, as though I'm in a constant state of blah. If that makes any sense lol. I'm not looking for pity or for people to feel sorry for me. But some of the closest people in my life are worried that I'm not okay. And all I can tell them is that I'll be fine and that I'll work through this, I really don't have any other choice. I cannot live my life in such a state. I do have my good and bad days. More bad than good, but can anyone really say that they are truly happy majority of the time? I know you're supposed to look at the positive in any and every situation but it's so much easier said than done. I think once I start losing some of the weight I've gained back I will start to feel better about myself and get out of my "funk".

Each Day Is A Fresh Start

Sometimes you just have those days you want to end, well I just want this chapter to end. I want to get started on the new me. I want to be a confident,  happy, and healthy person. But currently I am stuck in what feels to be a sinking hole being buried alive. Drowning in my own self doubt and sadness. Dreary and depressing I know, but I've been going through some personal stuff and am finding myself reaching to get away from my own reality. I recently reached my major goal of owning my very first home but that has been clouded with the sadness that is supreme heartbreak. And I don't mean supreme because we'd been dating forever, I mean supreme in the sense that I have absolutely no closure. He basically dropped off the planet and I haven't heard a peep in weeks. How harsh is that? Even the most collected person would crumble. It makes you question absolutely everything about yourself and over analyze every single word spoken. I consider myself a very strong person but even I cannot keep my composure through all this. I find myself randomly crying and literally eating my feelings. Terrible for the diet, which is terrible for your health and figure, which in turn makes you feel like shit about yourself. It's a horrible cycle and I need to find a better way to vent my feelings and emotions because nothing I am doing is making anything better. I put some stupid status on Facebook tonight about how I am going to simply choose to be happy tomorrow. I wish it was that easy but I don't want or care to have people think I'm such an idiot for falling so hard so quickly for someone that obviously isn't worth even a glance from me. I know I deserve the world and some of my closest friends and family have reached out and told me these sorts of supporting words but no matter how much I vent or "hear" what these people have to say (which I do completely appreciate and adore them for saying) I just cannot actually comprehend anything they say at this stage. All I can hear is my constant self doubt and self bashing. I have completely let myself go physically too, which does not help my current situation. I've gained too much weight back and I am starting to get depressed with how I am looking and physically feeling. The hardest part is that I won't be doing the Bernstein program this time around so it's going to take a lot longer and will be a lot harder. It will be 100% me. But I cannot and will not let myself down. The sooner I start to invest time in eating 100% clean and saying no the slurpees and chocolate bars again I will start to notice a change in my body and hopefully that will change my mental state. I want to be happy, I truly do. And I really want someone to be there to share my life with. I want that guy to hold me and make me feel beautiful whether I am simply wearing sweats and no makeup or if I've spent an hour getting extra pretty for a date night. Everyone tells me how I'm such a great person and whatever, but I just cannot accept that for myself yet. I really need to learn to love myself inside and out. Harder said than done I know, but I need to for the sake of myself and my life. No more feeling sorry for myself, I need to get off my fat ass and get on with my life! Fuck the men, let's drink to us!!

Life.....

Life, it's a crazy thing that happens when you least expect it. Although I haven't been very good at keeping up with my blog (or my weight loss) I have been enjoying what everything else has to offer. A few new tidbits since I last wrote:

I am the proud new owner of a two bed, two full bath condo in downtown Edmonton!! I got my underground parking, my in suite laundry, my killer location, and it's all mine on my own!! I've gotten myself all moved in and I am settling in nicely! I still cannot believe that I have accomplished such a huge life goal at such a young age. Now I need to make up my other goals in life and work towards those. I am thinking I'll focus on myself for awhile.

I have gained some of my weight back (as you can tell by my previous point I have gotten off of the Dr B train). Even though I have gained weight I know that I will get back on track and continue my healthy lifestyle. Now that I am back living on my own it will be easier to control what comes into the house. I will also have to ensure that I am packing lunches and healthy snacks to avoid last minute eating out and making bad choices. I am ADDICTED to taco salad so that isn't so bad. As long as I don't over-do the cheese and sour cream. I have started to enjoy sushi. I tend to stick to the cooked stuff but that's okay. I am broadening my palette and tastes. I'm trying new things and finding new things I love. The key to maintaining a healthy diet is going to be mixing it up and making it interesting. Adding different ingredients to salads to make them new and exciting. I also need to make more time for myself and my fitness. I haven't yet managed to check out how long it would take to walk to work but I am hoping to do so on days I'm not working both of my jobs. In the mean time I will use my lunch hours to get out of the office and walk. And conquer those horrible river valley stairs! I am hoping to keep pushing myself to get better and better. When I first attempted them last year I couldn't even make it up all the way once. I got to the point where I could do them twice without stopping! I am excited to see how far I can push myself this year. I also have a bike that my brother gave me but it requires some tuning up so I cannot ride it quite yet.

I have quit the online dating crap and was/am in a "relationship". Right now it's sort of in limbo but oh well, that's life right? I know that I deserve to be treated great and that I will eventually find someone who is my equal and makes my life complete. Although this current experience isn't ideal, it's taking me one step closer to finding out exactly what I want from my future husband. I am an independent woman who simply wants someone there to spend time with and to make me feel great about myself. I didn't think it was that much to ask. I prefer going for a simple walk together over extravagant nights. I mean everyone likes to go out to dinner and weekend trips or whatever, but I'm looking forward to the nights in watching movies and just being with that special someone in your life. And a note to the men who are reading this, to keep a woman happy you must communicate. It doesn't have to be expressing your deepest feelings, but simple day to day communication is what we expect. Not that hard really. I am going to focus on not being upset by this or letting it derail my life changes. Instead I am going to learn from it and grow from it, and realize that I cannot simply "sweep things under the rug" and pretend as though there aren't issues. Nobody is perfect, but you also do not need to settle when it comes to the simple things. You need what you need and don't forget that!
That is all for now, I will try to make more time to write. I am not even sure if there is anyone out there that cares to read this but this blog is for me and my desire to share my life, goals, achievements, and struggles.

Sincerely,

Eden