Each Day Is A Fresh Start

Sometimes you just have those days you want to end, well I just want this chapter to end. I want to get started on the new me. I want to be a confident,  happy, and healthy person. But currently I am stuck in what feels to be a sinking hole being buried alive. Drowning in my own self doubt and sadness. Dreary and depressing I know, but I've been going through some personal stuff and am finding myself reaching to get away from my own reality. I recently reached my major goal of owning my very first home but that has been clouded with the sadness that is supreme heartbreak. And I don't mean supreme because we'd been dating forever, I mean supreme in the sense that I have absolutely no closure. He basically dropped off the planet and I haven't heard a peep in weeks. How harsh is that? Even the most collected person would crumble. It makes you question absolutely everything about yourself and over analyze every single word spoken. I consider myself a very strong person but even I cannot keep my composure through all this. I find myself randomly crying and literally eating my feelings. Terrible for the diet, which is terrible for your health and figure, which in turn makes you feel like shit about yourself. It's a horrible cycle and I need to find a better way to vent my feelings and emotions because nothing I am doing is making anything better. I put some stupid status on Facebook tonight about how I am going to simply choose to be happy tomorrow. I wish it was that easy but I don't want or care to have people think I'm such an idiot for falling so hard so quickly for someone that obviously isn't worth even a glance from me. I know I deserve the world and some of my closest friends and family have reached out and told me these sorts of supporting words but no matter how much I vent or "hear" what these people have to say (which I do completely appreciate and adore them for saying) I just cannot actually comprehend anything they say at this stage. All I can hear is my constant self doubt and self bashing. I have completely let myself go physically too, which does not help my current situation. I've gained too much weight back and I am starting to get depressed with how I am looking and physically feeling. The hardest part is that I won't be doing the Bernstein program this time around so it's going to take a lot longer and will be a lot harder. It will be 100% me. But I cannot and will not let myself down. The sooner I start to invest time in eating 100% clean and saying no the slurpees and chocolate bars again I will start to notice a change in my body and hopefully that will change my mental state. I want to be happy, I truly do. And I really want someone to be there to share my life with. I want that guy to hold me and make me feel beautiful whether I am simply wearing sweats and no makeup or if I've spent an hour getting extra pretty for a date night. Everyone tells me how I'm such a great person and whatever, but I just cannot accept that for myself yet. I really need to learn to love myself inside and out. Harder said than done I know, but I need to for the sake of myself and my life. No more feeling sorry for myself, I need to get off my fat ass and get on with my life! Fuck the men, let's drink to us!!