Late Night Thoughts

Do you ever have those nights when your brain simply cannot shut off? I have work in 6 hours and attempted to have an early night to get some good rest and take it easy, but do you think that would actually happen? Most definitely not. Here I am, in the wee hours of the morning contemplating my life choices and what I've done to get to this point. Thinking about my two jobs, wondering about why I can't seem to find the motivation to simply eat better and lose weight, and questioning why it's so hard to find a decent guy to spend my time with when I see so many other people around me that have no problem finding a partner in life. I find myself asking why all the time. How can life seem so easy for others? I know I don't know all the details behind their lives, but how can it be that when I work so hard to get my life to a point of happiness it constantly seems out of reach? I need to learn to be happy with what I have. Don't get me wrong, I have it good. I have worked hard to get where I am. I am a home owner, drive a great vehicle, and have amazing people in my life. But I always feel as though I am chasing the impossible. Fighting to get to a better position in all aspects. Longing to feel complete, happy, and good enough. How can people who seem so rotten to the core be dealt such lucky hands in life. Given everything and they take it for granted. Here I am trying to focus on the new year that is upon us, trying to focus on a fresh new start. But really, each day is a whole new day to start and refocus on the goals at hand. You shouldn't have to wait for a new calendar year to reset and try again. Each day is an opportunity to start again and do it better. For example, my goal of losing weight and getting healthier. I need to realize that if I fuck up one day and eat something bad or give into a temptation that my whole vision isn't ruined, that I simply had a bad day and I don't need to completely derail and give up. I am human after all. It's so hard though. I did the Dr Bernstein program and lost a lot of weight, in a very unhealthy way might I add. I feel as though it has set me up for failure to do it the natural and healthy way. I have this unreal expectation that I should be losing 20 pounds a month and that it's going to be as easy as the first time. But it won't. It's going to be hard and it's going to be a struggle. But for my own sanity and happiness I need to get to a healthier point physically so that I feel better about myself. I need to find that motivation and reach the point of seeing progress to keep it going. Seeing results takes time and sometimes you lose momentum before reaching that point. Here I sit drinking a beer, listening to music, and smoking. Writing about my inner demons and questioning life in its entirety. I think it's time to try this sleep thing again. Over and out for tonight.

XOXO
Eden